2010 Mar/Apr - A Strange Workout
A few weeks ago I woke up early in the morning and could not find my husband anywhere in the house. It was the one day that he doesn’t work out, so I found it strange. Something told me to go out to the park, not far from our house, where he usually works out. When I got close to the park I saw that my husband was working out with another woman. By the time I got to the park, the woman was in her car ready to take off. I ran up to the car and introduced myself to the woman as my husband’s wife. She looked surprised and said my husband told her he was divorced. When I confronted him, he said he was sorry he had lied about our relationship, had just met the woman at work the day before, and nothing had happened between them. What advice do you have for me? Name Withheld—Colton, California
We are so sorry you had this experience. Despite the pain and shock this must have caused you, make no hasty decisions before having a calm and frank conversation with your husband. This is going to be very difficult. However, you both need to take stock of your relationship and identify, as best you can, what is happening in your marriage to cause your husband to behave in such a way. You should also engage the services of a professional counselor you both trust and have confidence in. If you don’t know of any counselors, your pastor could be a good person to help you with a referral.
Infidelity, in any form, breaks the trust needed to sustain a marriage. While your husband may think he didn’t cross that line, he has. Infidelity is a violation of the boundaries of an intimate relationship, betraying the core values upon which the integrity of the relationship is based. It really describes an act of unfaithfulness to one’s spouse or another person you are in a committed relationship with, whether sexual or nonsexual in nature.
We’ll be quick to point out that you may have had nothing to do with the actions of your husband. While many suggest things don’t happen in a vacuum, and that is true, you may not have caused the emptiness in your husband that led him to lie to a stranger about being married to you. Obviously your husband has emotional wounds that led him to behave in a way that is harmful to your marriage.
A leading Christian psychologist, Dr. Mark Laaser, in The Seven Desires of Every Heart, that he wrote with his wife, Debra, says: “If you did not have the desires met in your childhood, you may find unhealthy ways to get them met as an adult” (p.15). It is important to note, since we are all humans with human parents or guardians who raised us and made mistakes, we are all wounded. While these wounds have left us with emotional gaps that may lead us to try to fill the void in our souls with something harmful to our families and ourselves, we must be mindful that only God can truly fulfill the desires of our hearts.
Psalm 37:4 (NKJV) states: “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” This happiness that only Jesus can give, however, may never be fulfilled until we have fully explored our hurts with a professional Christian counselor who can help us come to grips with the pain from our past. We hasten to add, counseling is a spiritual gift given by God (1 Corinthians 12) to help build the body of Christ.
When we accept the healing of Jesus by calling on His name and allowing His Spirit to fill us and give us power to overcome shortcomings in our lives, we will bear the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).
We hope that from this day forward you will entrust your marriage to God and, together with your husband, experience the unity and joy that come only when you are willing to deal with your woundedness and emptiness. This takes place only when you allow spiritual gifts God has given to transform your lives and give you the power to live honest and victorious lives in your marriage. We are praying for you.
WILLIE OLIVER, Ph.D., an ordained minister and family sociologist, is director of Family Ministries for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. Contact: Willie.Oliver@nad.adventist.org or www.adventistfamilyministries.com
ELAINE OLIVER, M.A., is an experienced university administrator and a marriage and family consultant for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America.
* Texts credited to NKJV are from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
References
Laaser, Mark and Debra, The Seven Desires of Every Heart (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2008).
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